Blue eyes

He was 89 years old. A little hard of hearing, but if you spoke loudly and slowly into his right hearing aide, he could hear just fine. He had a touch of Alzheimer's, but that only consisted of asking a few questions twice. When I answered them the second time, he would remember and finish the answer with me and smile. You could tell he used to be one handsome fellow. Most everything was now a little sagging, wrinkles here and there, but he had the bluest eyes. They absolutely lit up and turned a bright crystal hue of blue when he spoke about his grandchildren. His whole face smiled, wrinkles and all. And when he spoke of his wife who had passed away 2 days prior to our meeting, those same eyes paled into a dusty grey and his whole face showed the most sadness I have ever personally viewed.

I walked in to introduce myself a little too chipper for the mood of the room. He had 2 visitors, who shared with me the fact that his wife had recently passed away and that he was hard of hearing. I had not gotten that in report and instantly toned myself down to be empathetic to this wonderful man. The visitors were very kind to fill me in. I first merely introduced myself and asked if he needed anything. I must have been speaking too fast and he reached out to hold my hand, leaned towards me and asked if I could kindly repeat myself. I did and we were on a roll, as I had gotten it right this time.

"Pleased to meet you", he says, still holding my hand. My large hand felt tiny surrounded by his gigantic one. I was surprised by how booming his baritone voice was, but he was so gentle in comparison. I instantly liked being in his presence in a grandfatherly way. He denied any needs at that time and I thanked his company for the information and went about my way to see my other patients.

Throughout the night, and through our talks, I became very fond of Blue Eyes within the 12 short hours where I had the privilege of spending time with him here and there.

The third time I was in his room, he asked again,"what's your name?"
And I said, "Nocturnal RN from.." and he chimed in with the name of my hometown and patted my face with a big gentle hand and smiled.

I saw a picture of two little girls and showed him to ask who they were. This is when his whole face lit up. "Why, those are my grand kids. They were here today just a crawlin' all over me. They call me Grandpa Blue". His children were worried the grand kids would hurt Blue Eyes, but he'd told them it was OK. To please let them climb in the bed with him. Each time one said something to him, they knew to crawl up towards that right ear and he would cock his head down to take in their words. He said it had been a great day.

Towards midnight I walked in his room to check on him. It seemed he had been staring at the door, awaiting my arrival. He motioned hurriedly with both hands for me to come on in. He wanted something to help him sleep. I asked why he hadn't called me. His personal sitter said she wanted to press the light for him, but he wouldn't let her, saying he knew he was not my only patient and that he would wait for me to come in. I playfully scolded him, and told him not to hesitate the next time he needed anything.

I returned with the sleeping pill and squatted down next to his good ear as he took the pill. He stared out into space, those blue eyes misting up and began to talk. "I was thinking yesterday......that I am old. ......I do not have many years left to live......and I've lived a good life.........but I just hope......" tears began streaming down his face and the sitter quickly tried to change the subject. I knew she had mentioned needing to move her car, so I politely told her I had a while, if she would like to go move it now.

When she left the room, I asked him if he wanted to finish. He had wiped some tears away. "I just hope......I have a few more years left........to enjoy it. To enjoy this life some more.........even though it will be without......." His face scrunched up and he shook a few times as more tears rolled down his long face.

"Without your wife?" I finished. He just nodded his head and I laid one arm over his chest and let him cry. I couldn't help but get a bit teary-eyed myself. Here was this fine man; wealthy, humble, had an accomplished life- and he was heart broken. And I couldn't fix it.

I stayed with him in silence until the sitter returned, his hand holding onto mine. I tucked him in and told him good night. He held that hand to the side of my face again and said "What did you say, baby?"

"I said good night. And you call if you need anything."

"Oh I will this time".

I went back to my work station and sat there deep in thought for a while. I wondered what it felt like to love so strongly. (and so long!--60+ years) I wondered if I would ever have that capacity, or furthermore if anyone will ever have that for me. And how strange it must be to put into perspective; to realise you only have several years or so to live. What must that feel like?

After report was given I returned to his room one last time to say good bye. He asked where I was going. I said it was time for me to go home and he would have another nurse in shortly.

"Oh no, I was just getting to know you. "

"You will like your nurse today"

"Is she as sweet as you are?"

I said I thought so and he said he would miss me and he patted my face one more time.

But I knew I would miss him more.

Yes...................

This is why I am a nurse.